You thought Celebrity Apprentice was over, didn’t you. You thought that I, and Inside Pulse, had both moved on in our lives.

But you thought wrong.

It seems that I have prevailed in a vicious battle with procrastination, as I am finally here with you for one more recap. One more glorious Celebrity Apprentice recap.

We’ll pick up at the beginning of the final, two-hour episode.

It’s incredibly entertaining to watch the Trumps on live television. The extra-rehearsed, extra-scripted, ultra-stiff dialogue is always wonderful to watch.

The three of them break down the super-oversimplified storyline: Trace is likeable and impressive at times, Piers is unlikable and incredibly good at tasks.

After Trump’s kids say their scripted opinions, Trump says, “But I want to just ask, what do you think? What does everybody in the audience think?!” and the cameras whip around to reveal…a live audience!!

I love this show…

As the episode begins, we’re treated to a condensed version of Omarosa’s downfall, and Piers yelps with glee. Trace, who is terrified of homosexuality, is incredibly uncomfortable talking with Piers, who just kissed him on the cheek minutes earlier. Lennox Lewis calls it “Brokeback Boardroom.”

Then the producers turn on Piers, as they splice together Piers gloating about Omarosa’s firing with Trace disapprovingly interviewing that Piers is mad arrogant and annoying. Then they tack on Baldwin interviewing that Piers is a “lost individual” and that “perhaps, in the future, it may not work out the way he believes it will.”

The task is to create and sell an original Quiznos sub. Thankfully, this task the candidates cannot use their contacts and can only sell the subs for $2 a piece.

In Trace and Baldwin’s van, Baldwin is dying to be best friends with Trace, and is all excited about the fake camaraderie that exists between them. Trace shows his creative spark once again, naming the sandwich “The Cowboy Club.”

Trace predicts that in Hydra’s van, they’re naming the sandwich after Lennox, as we flash to Hydra’s van and see them doing just that. Piers is leading the brainstorming session even though Lennox is PM, and Lennox interviews that Piers is kind of taking over, but that it’s okay. I relate to Piers here, because I couldn’t help myself and took over most brainstorming sessions on my season. Then I got fired.

We begin in a place I wish we always began: In Trump’s Golden Apartment.

Trump’s Golden Apartment is one of the greatest parts of The Apprentice, and usually makes an appearance once a season. It’s like a normal luxury apartment, except the whole thing is gold plated. It is everything hilarious about Donald Trump manifested in a single living space.

Trump walks in to meet the candidates and explains: “We’re standing in my apartment in Trump Tower. Some people consider it to be the greatest apartment in the world. I would never, ever say that myself, but it’s certainly a nice apartment.”

Gotta love the T-Man.

Trump introduces his trophy wife, Melania, and their two-year-old son, Barron. Barron, despite being two, manages to be smug and condescending. I’m not kidding. He’s actually a smug and condescending two year old. I’ve never seen anything like it.

Before we dive into Episode 9, I want to mention that for anyone who missed the Ohio Presidential debate, you can find the full, unedited transcript on my blog.

Anyway, we begin this week as Piers and Sleepy Boy return from the boardroom. Piers refuses to apologize for throwing Lennox under the bus, interviewing, “Lennox spent the entire day trying to position himself in a way that he wouldn’t get blamed. And he does that well, but I’m on his case.”

Again, Piers is the voice of reason. I hated when people did that on my season. Especially since the Under the Radar Queen actually won the damn thing. And yet again, Piers is right and I’m happy he’s there to call people out on their shit.

The candidates meet T-Bird in some tower along with executives from Dial and Redbook magazine. The task is to create a 4-page ad in Redbook for Dial Nourishing Yogurt Body Wash. It’s body wash, but it’s also yogurt. Best of all worlds.

Now, I don’t know how edited what happened next was, but here’s how it appeared:

Episode 8. Of The Celebrity Apprentice. Which I recap. Weekly. Some kind of life I live.

Anyway, we begin with our old friend Omarosa. Thrilled because Trump has put her back on Empressario, she explains, “Thank you Mr. Trump. He really likes me. He really, really likes me.” The logic evades me here– Trump moved Omarosa because Piers said he’d never work with her again after her constant low blows all day. How does that prove that Trump really, really likes Omarosa? That would be like a guy terrorizing his ex-girlfriend to the point that a judge issues a restraining order against him, and the guy concluding, “That judge likes me. He really, really likes me.”

The candidates arrive to meet Trump, and Marilu expresses excitement at seeing helicopters waiting. On my season, I expressed excitement when my team won the task and the reward was a helicopter ride. Then the air conditioner in the helicopter broke and it was 145 degrees the whole ride.

The task is to create an infomercial, as Trump explains, “One of the great companies that you’ll ever deal with is QVC.” He then adds, “This show is the number one show on television. These helicopters are the best helicopters in the world. I am the tallest man in the world. Tall is the best quality that you’ll ever deal with. Tallness is an eight billion dollar industry.”

TU: Are you enjoying watching this show?

NG: [laughs] It’s fascinating to see editing. Since I do this for a living it’s interesting to see how other people do it.

TU: So tell me some things from this season that were manipulated by editing.

NG: I wouldn’t say so many specific things were edited, but when you’re watching it, it seems like a broad stroke version of what really happened. If you work on something for 14 hours, and you’re only seeing five minutes on TV, you miss a lot of the nuances of what actually happens on the tasks. But I also understand that they’re telling a story, so when they’re telling a story of certain characters, part of other people’s work gets cut out. I actually think they did a pretty great job, to be honest with you. Was everything exactly the way it happened? It never is. But they did a good job of giving you a broad strokes version of it.

TU: Yeah, I remember thinking that we’d go for 36 straight hours on a task, and then when you account for the boardroom, the commercials, the reward, and the task announcement, it ended up being about 15 minutes of TV. And that’s to cover two teams– so a team working for 36 hours would get seven or eight minutes of airtime.

NG: And the boardrooms, I don’t know if it was the same on your season, but ours were about three hours a pop. Do you feel that you were fairly edited on your season?

TU: Yeah, I do. I think it was pretty accurate. You know, there was one episode when our team won, but they made me the red herring so that it looked like if we lost I would be fired, and I was angry because it was bullshit and I had done a good job. And another episode where I messed up, but the editing saved me. It all seems to even out…

We’re back. No recap last week. But the two key items were Stephen Baldwin trying to resign and then switching teams, and then Trump firing Nely because she’s not famous. Which brings up an important note:

This is not The Apprentice…

Yes, it took me a full week to post this recap. But the damn episode was two hours long. That said, it was an extraordinary piece of television.
We begin the same way we always begin– with the candidates waiting to see who was fired. Omarosa trashes Carol: “It’s personal. [...]

TU: Hey, Jennie, how ya doing?
JF: Good, good.
TU: You don’t remember me, do you?
JF: Uh…no.
TU: My ex-girlfriend and I threw out the first pitch on opening day last year in Chicago when you were on the mound.
JF: [possibly lying] Ohhhhh, okay, [...]

What an episode. Possibly the best viewing experience of my life. Big recap coming in a few days. For now, here’s my chat with Big Vinnie…
TU: Hey Vincent, how ya feeling today?
VP: I’m feeling fine. Did some interviews on the phone, did the Today Show. I got a lot of [...]

Let me first say that this show is not nearly as entertaining without Gene Simmons. He brought it to an entirely different level. I’m saddened by this.
Anyway, we begin this week with everyone sitting around waiting to see who was fired. Jennie walks in and pretends that both Simmons and Omarosa were [...]

“No go on interview. Gene’s schedule is full.”
That’s the text message I received from Murtz Jaffer on Friday after the episode. No go on interview.
Gene’s schedule is full.
Of course it is. Frankly, I would have been shocked if Gene Simmons had been available for the scheduled interview. I [...]

I can’t possibly stress enough how happy I am to be recapping this episode instead of participating in it. Not that staying up for 36 straight hours to complete some inane project with a bunch of Type-AAA personalities who are smiling at you to your face and trashing you in the private interviews isn’t [...]

If you asked me a couple years ago if I thought I’d ever interview a famous Playboy cover girl from a 115 degree phone booth in Mexico City, I’d probably say, “No.” I’d say, “No, I don’t think I’ll ever interview a famous Playboy cover girl from a 115 degree phone booth in Mexico [...]